me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
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Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
all that yoga finally paid off
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
*pokes sex life with a stick
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children