sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
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Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward