Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
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Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
When you have to use a public restroom.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.