Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.

[adds another nod to the conversation]

Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.

<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.

me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]

guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy

date: i think i’ve been here before

me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant

date: i’m definitely having deja vu

me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.

I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

My patience has stretch marks.

The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:

I’m ready for Halloween this year

tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light