Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
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Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
jesus christ confetti not now
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
How can I say no to this ?
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
is this meant to deter me
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.