Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Note to self: always read the final line

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*

Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.

French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?

DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no

Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree

They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed

to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.

Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

A candy baa

#DadJoke

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

You can’t rush stupid.

is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?

the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.

Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on