Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.

Me: that’s riddikulus lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.

wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

(filming reality TV show)

him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot

me: so a guy with just one foot?

him: no, an ape-type creature

me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot

him: he has 2 feet

me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?

him: get out

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M

These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.

Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.

[shows her my bedroom]

And this is where the magic happens…

[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]

Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*

Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10

DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?

NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good

I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

Me: Good night.

Brain: Night.

Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.

A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem