Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
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I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”