Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
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I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript