Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
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Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”