me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
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Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
This one never gets the credit it deserves
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet