Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is why science literacy is so important, kids.

How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking

Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.

My in-laws visited today.

FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.

My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?

I love my son.

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away

Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

I missed my calling in advertising.

“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!

My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23

Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.

I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you

DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past