Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?

5: nothing…I don’t have scissors

I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!

This line from Airplane.

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

*having an ultrasound*

dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..

patient: omg what!?

dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.

patient: intruder?

dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU

nurse: umm i think she is having twins?

dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.

me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy

Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.

Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.

I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes

Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat

ME: You’re making me rock hard.

MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?

ME: