Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos

Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.

Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?

Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

The walk of shame, but it’s just trying to walk after sitting crisscross applesauce for a few minutes.

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

Interviewer: can I get you anything?

Me: yea a job

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?

mom: i ate it

kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that

mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you

kid: oh god no i-

mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand

Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

I’m never asking anyone out on a date again

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice