ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
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*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.