ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
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THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.