ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
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If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]