Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
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Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
technically true but not a great slogan
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.