Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
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“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
smh
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.