Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
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I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /