Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That lamp looks PISSED.

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

From my Mom

He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.

My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.

Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working

Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?

I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great

There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

*Takes one earbud out*

*Hears kids fighting*

*Puts earbud back in*

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park

WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.

Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.

Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂

“What do you know about atoms?”

“Very little.”

“Besides that.”

Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!

Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??

Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

“Right, whose round is it?”

Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.

*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.