Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined

wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.

If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”

Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them

Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?

Me: Um no, just holding hands

My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.

Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time

[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.

[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.

When the skirt was invented women only had one leg

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT

[at a dinner party]

Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?

Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*

Me: you’re all blocking the table

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

making my dog give me my pills

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”

– “We should call it AAAA!”

“You’re fired.”

Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG