Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.

National Margarita Day is like any other day except…

“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”

*passes out*

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.

*sigh

He’s never gonna let me down.

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*

The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.

i would wish you the best but i am the best

excuse me

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

[group therapy]

“I always feel unnoticed”

NINJA: I hear ya

CHAMELEON: Same

GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

Have you ever been so jealous of an idea

Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!

“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]

clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.

me: what’s halloween.