Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *

They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.

6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream

There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….

now tell me, Are you one of Them?

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam

Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day

Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family

If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.