ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
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[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
shut up and take my money
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Sign at work today
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well