Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.

Okay hear me out.

I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.

I’d marry me

mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers

I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

me: can i buy you a drink?

her: i’m getting married at 5

me: cool so we have 2 hours

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning

Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.

jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.