Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.

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Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.

Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”

Me: “Poverty.”

women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)

Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back

Seductively rubs salt in your wound.

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

Me: how are you?

Toddler: shitty.

Me: I hear that.

Toddler: can you change me?

Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.

Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.

“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”

CUTE CAT‼︎

5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store

Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.

This is amazing.

the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help

How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”

I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.

Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.

Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.

Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.

[5 seconds later]

Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!

A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

I highly suggest that you do not google that term.