Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.

Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing

Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect

I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.

There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.

“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.

Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”

Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”

Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”

Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..

“We’ll call you” – OH NO

“You call us” – OH NO

*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*

Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.

My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.