me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
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told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.