Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.

[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.

if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.

*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

“What’s wrong with our country?”

OBAMA!

“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”

OBAMA!

My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

“See you later alligator”

“In a whilst crocodile”

-why we fought the British for independence

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.

Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?

I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me

Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!