Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy Caturday!

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”

Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.

best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

{watching a horror movie}

SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣

Him: You got Tik Tok?

Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?

Him: …

Me: *rattles can in front of him*

Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.

Her: Can I sit down & join you?

Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.

Her: Oh, no you’re not!

Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…

Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.

Primenesia?

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before

stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books

Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?

inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.

assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.

inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.

“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”

The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence

I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation

Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.

I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.

Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.

If only he knew the truth.

Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…

Me: I have a weekend immune system.

I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.