Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.

@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.

Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

Nobody:

The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?

Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.

I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.

I wanted something with no strings attached.

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

Date: So what’s your backstory?

Me: Arthritis.

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.

Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.

Me: we’re going out tonight okay?

Toddler: yeah.

Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.

Toddler: yeah.

Me: start a revolution.

Toddler: yeah!

Me: Then we’ll go to bed.

Toddler: no.

Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep