Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
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If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*