Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
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It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Print is alive and well!!!
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts