Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
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Drilling for oil is well boring.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?