Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>

Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

“Damn girl, you look hot”

Really?

“Like a sexy little italian car”

DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people

WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.

My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on