Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
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“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
A classic…
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?