Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you

As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.

Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

Actual air attendant:

“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”

What do you call it when a zoo paints common animals to look like more exotic species?

Fake Gnus

daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?

6-year-old: You lose.

Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.

6: That was your first mistake.

Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.

How to pet your cat:

1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong

Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.

wife: do you need help in there?

me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave

Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.

I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!

My cat: Meow

Yes I know we have all the DVDs…

i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword

Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.