Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”

Seriously.

Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!

“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”

Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.

911: whats the emergency?

∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT

Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?

Me: *sprints up stairs

Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?

Me: this is so us

man: wait

time: no

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”

I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.

Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.

I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

me: are you a cop you talk the talk.

ex-cop: not anymore

me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.

ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.

You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”

People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.

Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

[planning heist]

leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?

me: that’s when I take my break too tho

being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.