Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
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There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
pizza
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
No regrets in 2018
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
We decided to have money instead of children.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.