Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.

Me: *cautiously taps*

Cashier: Not against my forehead.

If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.

my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”

Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”

And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero

When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.

I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.

Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”

The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.

It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.