Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes

You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?

What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*

They say sex is the best for of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

Guilty! 🤪

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this

I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.

how to lose 20lb

step 1: gain 40lb

1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”

Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.

At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.

Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.