Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.

6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.

Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.

6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.

This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.

Well, he said they were pretty…

Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”

ME (calling my horse with no name):

Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.

How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding

If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”

*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep

If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all

A leaf blower, but for people.

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.

This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.

Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?

Me: *googles ‘math’*

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop