There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
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My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.