Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood

Doctors texting each other.

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying

[dressed like Slave Leia]

Them: Haha ready for Halloween?

Me: Halloween?

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.

HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.

CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?

Me: For like important stuff I guess.

CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!

Me: I said impor-

CNN: Using chopsticks!

Me: She did WHAT?

[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava

YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

“I don’t do politics.”

Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.

Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.

If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,

I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game