Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
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Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
you could not pay me to delete this app
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”