Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!

…
…

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-

Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations

[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: What do we have here?

ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.

(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now

Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.

fair

no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them

Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros

5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.