me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
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If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
pat pat
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados