me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
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uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Natural selection at its finest
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
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