Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
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everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first