Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
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me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
LA today:
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
The USS B port
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is