Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
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It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
The Punning Dead.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
🤣😂🤣😂
