Me My dog
You Might Also Like
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
thanks auntie mary
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.