Me My dog
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Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Salad is the decaf of food.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.