ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
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“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”