Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
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It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job