Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
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Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”