Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines

Lmao 😁

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

[spelling bee]

Your word: Spelunking

“U-N-K-I-N-G”

One cake enters. No cake leaves.

What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don’t u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?

wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him

me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six

puppy: holy shit

Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse

I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something

Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.

subtitles are for when you’re eating chips

Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.

What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up

Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.

[watching scary part of movie]

10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed

ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back

the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

[getting my license]

Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes

Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*