Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

[road trip]

Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-

Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.

Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*

Me: Yes, I do!

Wife: Do the laundry

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”

Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”

6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

Rock stars’ children have very strange names.

In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.

Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.

A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?

Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?

Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.

This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.

I can’t go to jail…

I have serious food allergies!

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…