Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”

Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

*getting ready for bed*

Me: Oh did you lock the front door?

Burglar: I’ll go check it

Me: Thanks hon

Wife:

friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.

* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary

The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

Where the hell are all the scissors?!

– a parenting memoir

Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore

[first day working at DMV]

Me: I hope you like paperwork

Guy: I am not a fan

Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…

[Later]

Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food

[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”

Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

[first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.

one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”

Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.