Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar

*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat

9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”

Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂

Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.

You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”

hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated

The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

I’m not a regular Mom.

I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.

getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib

My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE

Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids

Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr

Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!

Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face

Prince Charming:

Friend:

Prince Charming: she left her shoe

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.

GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”

ME: “Yes”

GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”

ME: “YES”

GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”

ME: “I’m out”