Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
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HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink