Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong

Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.

*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is

I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans

“Deal.” — Mother Nature

Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”

Him: I can’t sleep

Me: try counting sheep

Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?

Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.

20 seconds later:

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task