Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.

OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope

My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.

pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.

A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.

You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun

Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball

GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell

murderer: *stabbing me*

me: 🙂

murderer: doesn’t it hurt?

me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed

It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.