Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.

[third date]

Her: please quit calling me Jenny

Me: oh my apologies Jennifer

Her: my name is Amanda

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.

ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you

In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.

[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?

When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.

Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!

Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

Sorry. Not sorry

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.

15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.

Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.

Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?

me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas

haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho

Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.

Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to

When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

YES MY CHILD

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