Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon

I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.

17 animal photos that will make you do a double take

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.

DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city

BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.

I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.

*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad

Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.

Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!