ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
You Might Also Like
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
