Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
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Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
