Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
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Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?