me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
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Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate