Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:

1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.

“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.

I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

Me: Babe, I got carded today!

Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.

My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…

Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg

Horse: I want to go home

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

Me: *typing on laptop*

My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*

Me: Aww. So sweet.

My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*

Me: Or not.

I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.