me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
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This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck